


Chubby Chaser

by Kassykins



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Body Image, Gen, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Rare Pairings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 20:04:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15565419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kassykins/pseuds/Kassykins
Summary: Arthur Kirkland knows there's nothing wrong with his friend Ivan Braginski's weight, but he'd been told he's bias, especially since his ex Alfred was a big boy too, until Francis came along and stole him. As Arthur and Ivan grow closer, it becomes clear that Alfred and Francis aren't done with Arthur yet. Human AU, one and done.





	Chubby Chaser

**Author's Note:**

> This humble writer, stuck for ideas and energy, started reading through some of my old works after receiving a message asking to translate them. To my great surprise, a lot of them actually held up! So I decided that, after an edit and an update, I'd upload a few of the better ones on here!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this short one to start, featuring this rare pair!

That was, without a doubt, the fattest cat Arthur had ever seen. Was it a maine coon? It was at least three times the size of his cat, and that was without what was obviously a lot of fur. He wanted to pet it, but... if it bit him, it'd be no laughing matter. Up the path, the chocolate coloured cat fixed eyes on him, swishing its tail and flicking its ears back. Damn, that thing looked like it would eat him...

Taking his life in his hands, so to speak, Arthur knelt down, extending his hand and making kissy noises in the cats direction. The animal immediately leapt up and ran over, rubbing enthusiastically on his hand and arm.

"Oh." he laughed "You're just a big softie!"

The cat purred joyously as Arthur pet it, even licking his fingers and trying to climb up into his lap.

"My, aren't you friendly!" Arthur noted as it licked his face "Can you smell Iggy on me? She's not as friendly as you. What's your name, fluffy?"

"Podsy." a voice behind him announced.

Arthur nearly leapt clear out of his skin, completely unaware he hadn't been alone in the back ally. Heart still in his throat, he looked around, feeling no better for what confronted him: if he could ever claim to have met a giant, this would be the time – Arthurs entire dorm room could probably fit inside this guys coat! He was about as broad was Arthur was tall, hiding the majority of his frame behind a long coat and scarf. He looked impassively at Arthur, seemingly examining him with the same scrutiny. After a moment staring at each other, the giant knelt down, scratching the cat with a gloved hand.

"It's short for Podsolnechnik, meaning sunflower." he elaborated.

"Oh... he's your cat?" Arthur asked.

"Da." the man confirmed in a thick accent "He's mine, but I think he likes you more."

"He can probably smell my cat on me." Arthur assured "She's in heat. She's super moody and keeps sleeping on my coat, so..."

The man laughed, his whole body shaking.

"Podsy is very friendly, but other cats don't seem to like him much." he confessed "Perhaps they're scared of him."

"Maybe. He's pretty big."

The giants smile faded a moment. Looking back at Arthur, he forced it back on.

"I'm Ivan." he introduced "I moved here to study economics."

"I'm Arthur." he answered "I'm local, but I'm studying at the uni too. I'm studying history and literature."

"I like both those things." Ivan said happily.

Ivan scooped the cat up, lifting the thing like it weighed no more than Arthurs Iggy, and it purred loudly in his arms. The large man blushed awkwardly.

"I'm very sorry." he said "I got lost looking for Podsy. Which way is High Street?"

"The highstreet?" Arthur clarified, standing straight "That's a way from here. Where do you live?"

Ivan paused a moment. Arthur could guess that English wasn't his first language, even before he started struggling.

"Kings... something." he recalled, sighing "I'm sorry. I can find it from High Street."

"Kingsbury House?" Arthur ventured.

"Oh, yes!" Ivan confirmed happily "You know it?"

"I have some lectures on Kingsbury Campus." he confirmed "I'll walk you back."

"Oh, I don't want to bother you." Ivan insisted, blushing again.

"It's not a bother – my lectures are done for the day anyway."

The large mans blush deepened, but he didn't argue. Holding Podsy tightly so he wouldn't run off again, the two chatted as they ambled back to the Kingsbury Campus. It turned out Ivan was from Russia, had two sisters and had been in the country about two months. He sympathised as Arthur told him about his multitude of brothers and his part time work at the students union. He declined, however, to carry Podsy when Ivan offered.

"I'd rather not." he admitted "He looks like he weighs about the same as I do."

"I assure you, he's mostly fur." Ivan chuckled.

Coming up to Kingsbury House, Ivan got a little awkward.

"My keys are in my pocket." he admitted "I can't hold Podsy and get them."

"Which pocket?" Arthur asked.

"Eh? Uh, trousers, on left hand side."

Ivan froze entirely as Arthur pulled back his long coat, without shame or hesitation, and reached into Ivans pocket, pulling out his keys. Looking up, he was surprised to see Ivans entire face glowing scarlet.

"I... I meant for you to hold cat..." he stammered.

"Oh. Well, what's done is done." Arthur reasoned "Which one's the front door key?"

Ivan just stared at him a moment, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Arthur couldn't help but smile – it seemed Ivan was as much a softie as Podsy was. That was kinda cute.

"Wh... bu... that one..." he stammered.

Arthur opened the door, inviting himself in. Ivan continued to gawp at him a moment before following.

 

* * *

 

 

"They are all the same."

"They are not all the same."

"They look the same."

"Well, they're not."

The two stood in Currys of a Saturday afternoon, inspecting the row of microwaves before them. Arthur was trying to convince Ivan that there was a difference between the £30 and £70 versions, but he wasn't buying it.

"Look, this one toasts bagels and that one doesn't." the messy haired Brit pointed out.

"Why would I need a microwave to toast?" Ivan argued "I have a toaster!"

"You have my foot up your arse!"

Ivan chuckled. He had been friends with Arthur a few months now, so was used to his abrasive sense of humour. Ivan wasn't even sure he wanted a microwave – he never needed one before – but Arthur seemed to think it was absolutely vital. Although he couldn't exactly trust Arthurs opinion when it came to cooking...

"Can I not save money and buy vodka instead?" he wondered.

"Vodka won't warm up your leftovers."

"I beg to differ." Ivan elaborated "I drink a lot of vodka, then I don't care if food is warm or not."

Arthur snorted, cocking his dark eyebrows in Ivans direction.

"You're awful."

"You're short."

"You're hairy."

"You're grumpy."

"You're dressed too warmly for this weather."

"You're dressed like a punk."

"You're... uh... ugh, I got nothing."

"Haha, I win."

"You suck."

" _You_ suck."

"Pick a microwave!"

In the end, Ivan picked the second cheapest microwave. He wanted the cheapest, but he thought Arthurs head might explode. They talked shit as always as they waited for the bus, Ivan trying his best to ignore the stares of those around them – he was used to people staring at him, what with him being so large, but it had gotten considerably worse since he had met Arthur. In a way, Ivan admired him – he wasn't afraid to be exactly who he was, wear whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted. Ivan would never have the courage to don the kind of clothing Arthur wore regularly, but truth be told he wasn't sure if leather jackets and patriotic bandannas would suit him.

"So he said around 8 o'clock, but this is Kiku we're talking about, so it's probably better to turn up a little early." Arthur reasoned.

"If we leave my room around 7 we can swing by the off licence and pick up some drinks." Ivan agreed "No more of that WKD shit. It's bad, even for cheap vodka."

"You wanted to try it." Arthur reminded him with a smirk.

"And I regret it. I'm sure my spit must still be blue."

The bus arrived, and the two bundled on.

"Kiku likes Scotch, but the good shits expensive." Arthur went on "We can go halves on a bottle of Glenmorangie, since you cheaped out on the microwave."

"Oh, no!" Ivan laughed "I'm not wasting good scotch on you – you'll end up naked running through halls screaming about leprechauns again."

They shuffled down the bus. There were no seats available, so they grabbed a handrail and braced themselves as the bus started down the road.

"That happened once!"

"Three times."

Arthur suddenly went rigid. Ivan startled as he pressed right into him, grabbing his shirt and positioning him between himself and whatever was behind him.

"What? What?"

Ivan tried looking around, but Arthur hissed at him.

"Don't look!"

"Why? Who is?"

"My fucking ex!"

Arthurs ex? Okay, now he really wanted to look. Arthur had never shown any interest in women, so Ivan had no idea what his type was. It must have been a bad break-up if he was using him as a human shield. He couldn't resist the opportunity to tease his friend.

"Is she pretty?"

"Sshhhhhh!" Arthur hissed again.

"Is she blonde? She's blonde, isn't she? Arthur?"

"Shut up!"

"Think she'll want to come to Kiku's with us too?"

"I will punch you in the nuts, Ivan!"

"Arthur?"

Hang on... that was a mans voice. Arthur physically shuddered as his name was called. Ivan looked around, immediately wishing he hadn't – his ears hadn't deceived him, and he was right about the 'blonde' part, but from there, everything was wrong. What stood before him was not a busty lady, but a buff, quaffed and tanned young man in designer clothes and trendy glasses.

"Hello, Alfred." Arthur grumbled.

His ex? A man? Arthur was gay? That... explained a lot, actually. Despite the fact he had already been spotted, Arthur pressed closer to Ivan.

"It's been a while, man." Alfred greeted – oh great, he was American "How you doin'?"

"I'm fine, thank you." Arthur replied curtly.

"Oh yeah? That's great."

A throaty laugh interrupted them – another man appeared beside Alfred, this one with long blonde hair, wearing a silk shirt and far too much cologne. Arthur audibly groaned.

"I didn't think it was possible." the long haired man chortled "But you've gotten even more uncouth. Do you even bother to brush your hair anymore?"

"Francis." Arthur grumbled.

Wait... which one was his ex? Francis laid eyes on Ivan, immediately smirking as he looked him up and down. Ivan was suddenly self conscious – both these men were sculpted to near perfection, so his unfashionable clothes, outdated haircut and obvious wobbly bits were all the more noticeable.

"So, I was right." the long-haired one taunted "You _are_ a chubby chaser."

Arthur flinched, grimacing as his face flushed. Chubby? Wasn't that another word for 'fat'? Did this bloke just call him fat?!

"Chubby chaser?" Alfred seemed confused as well "What's that?"

Francis laughed, slipping his arms around Alfreds waist.

"A 'chubby chaser' is someone who finds fat people sexually attractive." Francis confirmed "That's why he dumped you when you lost all the weight."

"Huh..." Alfred pondered.

"I didn't dump him." Arthur pointed out bitterly "You stole him. And at least I liked him for who he was – you were only interested after he lost the weight."

"Perhaps if there was anything likeable about you, he wouldn't have been so easy to take." Francis smirked.

What did he say? That was harsh! Too harsh! That was a horrible thing to say, even if it had been true, which it certainly wasn't! No wonder Arthur hadn't wanted to be seen by these two! Ivan opened his mouth to argue, but Arthur needed no help.

"If you had anything attractive about you other than your face, you could get your own boyfriend instead of stealing other peoples."

"You!" Francis stammered, ears going bright red in fury "At least I have something attractive about me!"

"Until the novelty wears off." Arthur retorted "And your partners actually get to know you well enough to realise what a bastard you are, which judging by your previous relationships should be happening to Alfred pretty soon."

Without even looking, Arthur pressed the button on the handrail, signalling the bus to halt.

"This is our stop." he finished curtly, taking Ivans hand and leading him down the aisle.

Glancing back, Ivan saw Francis' whole body had gone red with rage, Alfred doing his best to calm him down. He stumbled a little as they descended to the pavement, but Arthur didn't stop marching until the bus was out of sight.

"Arthur." Ivan called gently "That wasn't our stop."

Arthurs shoulders were heaving. He took a deep breath to calm himself down before turning back to Ivan with a smile.

"Sorry about that – I'll pay you back your bus fair."

No way that smile was genuine – he was still holding Ivans hand, palm warm and sweaty, despite the fact that they had stopped. Ivan took his hand back, shifting the heavy microwave in his arms.

"I didn't know you were gay." he mentioned.

"Does it bother you?" Arthur asked.

"No." Ivan decided "Not really. It's not like you put the moves on me."

Arthur chuckled.

"I'd be scared you'd crush my head in your giant mitts." he joked.

The blond sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand to bury his hurt feelings.

"The next bus will be along in a minute." he pointed out.

"Let's walk." Ivan suggested "We'll go to the off license on the way to Kikus."

Arthur smiled again, gentler this time, before sticking his hands in his pockets and heading in the direction to Kikus place. Ivan adjusted the microwave in his hands before following him.

* * *

 

 

"Rwar, I'm Podsy the mighty, and I'm here to eat all your sushi!"

"Put him down, Arthur."

Podsy meowed happily as Arthur held him up on his hind legs, swishing his tail back and forth. Arthur sat with his back against Ivans bed, textbooks discarded in the floor all around as Ivan buried himself in his EFL homework.

"There is no Arthur, only Podsy! Surrender your sushi to me!"

Ivan gave in, picking a king prawn from his supermarket sushi and popping it in his cats mouth, which seemed to please him no end. Arthur released the cat, which curled up on his lap to eat its prawn.

"You're awfully moody today." Arthur pointed out "Winter blues?"

"Nothing like that." Ivan grumbled.

"So? What's up?"

Ivan sighed theatrically, putting down his notebook.

"I was on Skype with my sisters last night." he revealed "They seem to think I've gained a lot of weight."

"Maybe." Arthur admitted "How do your clothes fit?"

Ivan grumbled again, which said everything.

"Do you know any cheap gyms?" he asked.

"Do I look like I go to the gym?"

"Women go to the gym tOW."

Ivan rubbed his knee where Arthur had kicked him

"That's mean."

"You started it."

Arthur ate the last of his crisps, tossing the empty bag in the bin.

"I'm serious about losing some weight, though." Ivan insisted "Not a lot, though, just a few pounds."

"For what it's worth, you're fine how you are." Arthur told him "But if you're serious, there's a gym at the unis sports centre that doesn't cost very much – it's like a fiver a week or something."

"Oh yeah? You want to come with me?"

"Do I look like I lift, bro?"

"What?"

"Nothing. I'll go with you, but you don't get to bitch at me for not using the machines."

"Deal."

 

* * *

 

 

"And Katyusha was so mad, Natalya never dyed her hair again!"

Arthur rolled with laughter, stood at the head of the treadmill as Ivan jogged along the best his big bones could carry him. The gym wasn't overly busy this time in the afternoon, so the pair loitered about with impunity, taking their sweet time. As promised, Arthur just hung around while Ivan did his best every other day, but he just wasn't suited for a gym workout, it seemed, as he couldn't stand the treadmill for very long before getting out of breath. The weights were no issue at all for the big man, but he found them too boring to pay much attention to: Arthur was the opposite, taking to the running machines easily on the odd occasion he tried, but struggling to an embarrassing degree with the weights – he couldn't even manage half of what Ivan could!

"I dyed my hair when I was 18, too." Arthur admitted "It was pink on the sides and bright green on the top for about 3 days." he laughed as he remembered "Two of my brothers physically held me down while Angus washed it all out."

"Your brothers are mean." Ivan chuckled "Although, Katyusha did threaten to shave Natalyas head."

Ivan turned the machine off, wiping his brow as he stepped off.

"Time for a break." he reasoned.

"Sure."

Arthur jumped off the edge of the treadmill.

"Speaking of families," he mentioned "Are you going home for Christmas?"

"It's too expensive for just a little while." Ivan lamented, shaking his head "I'll go home over the summer if I don't find a job before then."

"In that case, why don't you come home with me?" Arthur offered "It's only down the road, and I'm sure mum won't mind if we give her plenty of warning."

"That's very nice, but I don't want to intrude."

"It's not intruding – Kiku's spent Christmas at mine for the past two years! And anyway, mum loves people with big appetites, so she'll absolutely love you!"

Ivan couldn't help but chuckle again, imaging a woman looking very much like Arthur (eyebrows and all) fattening up her boys with a smile as they sat around for Christmas dinner.

"In that case, I accept. Katyusha will be happy I'm not spending it alone. Although, I didn't know Kiku celebrated Christmas."

"He doesn't really." Arthur admitted "But it's too sad being alone at Christmas."

Loitering at the fountain, Ivan sighed, throwing back his paper cup of water. He had never been skinny, but it wasn't because he ate badly – his sisters teased him for being chubby, but when he had tried to diet as a teenager Katyusha had told him off something fierce, saying it was just puppy fat and he would lose it as he got older. The stubborn fat around his torso and arms suggested otherwise, and working out was hard. The trainer at the gym had suggested turning the fat into muscle, but he didn't like that idea: his uncle was built that way, since he did a lot of physical work, and while Ivan certainly didn't dislike his uncle, he remembered that he wasn't pleasant to hug as a child. And anyway, the last thing Ivan needed was to be even bigger.

"Stop that." Arthur ordered, snapping Ivan back to the here and now.

"Stop what?"

"Obsessing." he pointed out "You keep looking in the mirror and pulling your stomach in. You're not that big."

"Says you, you're skinny as anything!" Ivan pointed out "Even though all you eat is garbage!"

"Frustrating, isn't it?" a third voice piped in.

Both Ivan and Arthur jumped at the sudden intrusion, looking around to the happy American tones: Alfred dropped his gym bag on the ground with the other bags, usual oblivious smile on his face.

"When we were together, he would always eat whatever he wanted and never gained a pound!" he elaborated "I was so jealous, he's always as skinny as a scarecrow!"

"That's not a compliment." Arthur muttered.

"Losing all the weight was hard." Alfred said to Ivan "It took me months! Don't feel discouraged if it doesn't happened right away."

How annoying – the American was trying to be friendly, but after what happened on the bus the other day, Ivan wasn't at all inclined to be friendly back. Arthur noticeably stepped towards Ivan, but the American seemed too preoccupied checking out the near empty gym.

"Then again, Arthur was always spoiling me, too." Alfred laughed "Francis is much stricter about diet and stuff."

"Smashing." Arthur spat "I'm going home."

"Why don't you stay for a while?" Alfred suggested happily "It's been a while since we've seen each other – we should have a proper catch up!"

Ivan couldn't help but smirk a little at the incredulous look on Arthurs face.

"It was never your intellect that attracted me." he muttered.

"What's that?"Alfred asked, clearly having not heard him.

"Nothing, love. I'm a little busy today, so maybe another time."

"Oh... well, sure!" he answered jovially "You still have my number, right?"

"I'm sure it's somewhere." he grimaced.

"Great! Good seeing you again."

Without another word, Arthur practically ran from the room. He and Ivan hadn't discussed his previous relationship after the bus incident, and Ivan figured it was still a sore subject for him. Ivan himself had only ever had one girlfriend, and their break-up had been mutual. He had certainly never seen Arthur flee from a room before.

"You been introduced to the cross trainer?" Alfred asked him "I found it the best way to get the stubborn fat around the belly." he laughed to himself "Especially after a few too many doughnuts."

"No, I've been running." Ivan mumbled, still not really wanting to talk to him.

"Big fella like you? No wonder you're sweaty. I thought the weights would be easier for you."

"I'm big enough. I don't need to bulk up."

"Oh? Yeah, I guess I know what you mean." he laughed again, seemingly oblivious to the awkwardness radiating from Ivan "Lemme show you the cross trainer then – we can get to know each other!"

Ivans English wasn't good enough that he could express what he was feeling, but it wasn't pleasant – he didn't know what to say to get rid of him without being extremely rude, and considering Alfred was Arthurs ex, Ivan could assume he had heard far worse levels of 'extremely rude' than Ivan was capable of. As such, he ended up letting Alfred show him how the cross trainer worked, although he talked to him as little as possible. Alfred was annoyingly friendly, but Ivan could tell he was holding something back, despite his verbal diarrhoea – the longer he talked, the more random the topics became, and the faster and louder he talked in response to Ivans silence.

"And long story short, that's why I don't wear sandals! Hahahaha! Um, so anyway..." Alfred went on "How long have you and Arthur been dating?"

"We aren't dating." Ivan admitted as he pulled the bar down.

"Y...you aren't?" Alfred seemed incredibly surprised "So Arthur's single?"

"For now."

"Huh..."

Ivan didn't like the sound of that 'huh'. Alfred had a happy look on his face, staring at the door Arthur had left from. Hadn't he been the one to leave Arthur? He wasn't looking to get back together, was he? Wasn't he still with whats-his-name?

"I said 'for now.'" Ivan growled at him "That's not 'yes'."

"Oh?" Alfred looked back at him, expression like a kicked puppy "He's seeing someone else?"

"Yes." Ivan lied.

"Who?"

 

* * *

 

 

Less than an hour later, Ivan found Arthur in his room, text books spread over his bed with Iggy sat in his lap, pulling her usual gloomy expression.

"Have fun with Alfred?" he muttered bitterly as Ivan closed the door behind him.

"No, and I'm in trouble." he admitted.

"What happened?"

"I told a lie."

Arthur looked up from his books, still scratching his cats head, worried expression on his face.

"You suck at lying." he knew.

"Yeah..."

Arthur sighed, half grumbling, and closed his books, gesturing for his friend to take a seat at his desk chair. Ivan sat down guiltily, waiting for Arthur to speak, only to find him staring at him. He bent a little under those green eyes.

"Well?" he asked.

"I..." he started "I might have told Alfred you were seeing someone."

Arthur was clearly displeased, pulling a horrid face.

"What on earth did you do that for?"

"Well... he asked, so... yeah..."

"He asked?" Arthur seemed surprised "Nosey brat. What did you tell him, exactly?"

Ivan groaned internally, trying to remember his lies. As Arthur had stated, he was a terrible liar, which was wonderful when he wanted to passive-aggressively piss people off, but when he actually wanted to deceive someone it was a distinct disadvantage.

"I may have said he's a tall blond." Ivan admitted "And I may have said he's from Europe."

Arthur was distinctly unimpressed, pulling an expression not too dissimilar from Iggys.

"Sorry." Ivan mumbled guiltily, eyes on the floor.

"You're an idiot."

"Yeah..."

Arthur sighed again.

"What on earth did he ask for anyway?" he wondered.

Ivan tried to think of another lie, but his friend saw through him immediately, giving him the hard stare of 'don't you dare.' He begrudgingly told him the truth – since they hadn't really talked about his previous relationships, he wasn't quite sure what to expect from the smaller man: would he be happy his ex seemed to be interested in getting back together? His face was hard to read, and he was oddly quiet for a while after Ivan had finished speaking. Iggy leapt of his lap most unceremoniously as he suddenly stood.

"Where are you going?" Ivan asked, immediately concerned.

"To talk to Kiku." Arthur admitted as he pulled on his coat.

"Why Kiku?"

Arthur turned to him, expression softening as he forced on the same fake smile he had pulled after the bus incident.

"You're a good friend." he started "But I know you're not comfortable talking to me about my love life. That's okay, I mean, my brothers are the same. Kiku was my friend when I was with Alfred, so he knows all about it."

"Arthur..."

"Really, it's cool." he assured "Don't force yourself. I'm happy you've told me this much."

Without another word, Arthur went to leave. Before he could stick his hands in his coat pockets, Ivan grabbed one, forcing him to halt. The big man struggled for a moment, trying to find the words in English to express himself.

"I don't want to know about your sex life." he admitted "But what you're feeling, what you're thinking... I can talk to you about that. If you want, I mean."

Arthur didn't look at him for a while – his slim shoulders slumped, but his back remained tense. Ivan waited, heterosexual instincts telling him to let go of Arthurs hand, but knowing it would hurt his friends feelings if he did. With a shudder of his whole body, he spoke:

"He hurt me." Arthur admitted "Like I never knew I could be hurt. I never knew I could love like that, so when he left me for Francis... I'm mad. I want to cry. I want to scream and punch him in the face, but... there's also a part of me that knows I would take him back if he said he wanted me... But if he left me again, I might actually die."

He still didn't look at the man behind him. Iggy, perhaps sensing her owners distress, jumped off the bed and rubbed lovingly on his legs, purring lightly. Ivan was used to Arthurs frankness, but talking about his feelings to openly... it was jarring. He gave Arthurs arm a tug, and he allowed himself to be pulled back. No-one else was here, they weren't going to judge... Ivan put his arms around Arthur, although not too tightly, who was surprised a moment before finally turning around, burying his face in his friends ample shoulder. He could feel his small body shaking slightly in his arms, and he couldn't resist squeezing him a little tighter.

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm telling you, the Alien would kick the Predators arse."

"Wrong, wrong, wrong. The Predator would totally win."

"How can you win against something with acid for blood? The Predator's a pussy."

The cold winters afternoon had led them to the media halls, where a matinee of the Alien and Predator movies had been set up by the film department for those who couldn't go home over the winter break, culminating in Alien vs Predator at midnight. It was a miserable afternoon, even for winter, with a low concrete sky and pissing with rain and cold. Between the movies, the dozen or so students debated their opinions between running to the loo, making tea and pot noodles and ordering pizza online, pausing the movie for a moment when it arrived. It's not how Ivan had imagined his university life, but it was pretty good. Although he only knew one or two people on the room by name, it all felt very intimate and friendly.

"The Alien's a pussy too." Arthur argued "My cat would eat it for breakfast."

"I've met his cat." a girl across the room laughed "It's totally true!"

The room burst into laughter. The projectionist called for quiet as he started the next film. As the afternoon turned into the evening more people wandered in, the atmosphere becoming less intimate and more like a movie theatre. Half way through Alien 3 Ivan noticed a weight fall on his arm: Arthur had fallen asleep in his chair, curling up beside Ivan and resting his head against him. Ivan didn't mind, if anything he wanted to fall asleep himself: it was very warm in here and the air was close and dark. It was a wonder more people weren't asleep. Ivan slumped in his chair to get more comfortable, Arthurs head moving to his shoulder. Gently enough not to wake him, he rested his head against Arthurs, ready to fall asleep right then and there.

The entire make-shift theatre seemed to be disturbed as the door opened, casting the harsh orange light of the hallway into the darkened room.

"Sorry, sorry!" the brash American voice called over the soundtrack "Just ignore us!"

Uuuuggghh. Ivan was happy Arthur was sleeping as Alfred bounded in, followed by a clearly unhappy Francis.

"I don't see why you couldn't have come on your own." he said bitterly, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear him "I don't even like these stupid movies."

It was Francis who saw the two of them first, pulling a horrid face when he spied Arthurs head on Ivans shoulder. Remembering their talk the other day, Ivan didn't move, but kept his eyes fixed on Francis, who openly seemed to scowl at him. Alfred had already found some friends to sit with, gesturing for Francis to follow. Instead, he turned on his heels and marched right back out the door, slamming it closed behind him.

* * *

 

 

Arthur was in his element – he loved the smell of the second hand books, rich and dusty, and the rough feeling of the old covers and fragile pages. He was on a first name basis with the old proprietress, who he sometimes shared a pot of tea with on a slow afternoon, and could spend hours trawling the stuffed and dirty shelves. Today was such a day, with the usual pissing British winter day outside – occasionally the proprietress bought him a cup of tea as he lost himself among the tomes and volumes, still wrapped up in his coat and scarf. What time it was he couldn't say, but he had amassed a good pile of spoils to take home with him.

Flicking through a copy of Shakespeares 'The Tempest', he was bought back to the here-and-now by a bag being dropped suddenly on the floor beside him, sending a loud and dull 'thud' through the whole store. Startled, he looked up, immediately grimacing at what met his eye – Francis stood above him, arms crossed over his chest, scowling at him like usual. They glared at each other a moment before Arthur turned back to his book.

"Don't ignore me!" Francis shrieked at him.

"Piss off, beardy!" Arthur snapped back.

Francis huffed theatrically, swishing his hair back.

"Even after all this time, I keep finding stupid books you've leant Alfred lying around his room." he moaned "Just when I think I've found them all, another one turns up. I swear if I fill another bag full I'm going to set it on fire."

"Swell, now piss off."

Arthurs temper was rising – he could feel his back grow tense with every second Francis didn't leave, concentrating on the words of the bard. Francis was equally irate, the air between them fraught. With a shuffle, the proprietress appeared at the end of the aisle.

"Oh, Francis!" she greeted happily "It's been a while! How are you?"

"Mrs Readman, hello!" he greeted back, breaking the air of hostility almost immediately "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"My my, you've really grown." she cooed as she joined them, tapping the lean man familiarly on the arm "What have you been doing with yourself? You two used to come in here all the time, now I hardly see you!"

"I'm so sorry," he said "I've been far busier than I'd like!"

"Yeah, stealing other peoples boyfriends." Arthur muttered bitterly to himself.

"Did you get into your culinary course?" the old lady asked, squealing in delight when he confirmed that he did "I knew you would! I've been keeping some rare cookbooks aside just for you! Wait here, I'll go get them."

She shuffled off again. Arthurs whole body went cold and rigid as Francis sat on the floor next to him – what the bloody hell did he think he was doing?! He leant against the book shelves, putting one arm on an upturned knee like he was posing for a fashion shoot, staring at the books opposite. Arthur radiated an aura of 'piss off' with every fibre of his being, but Francis didn't seem to pick up on it, If anything, he laughed.

"We practically spent our whole adolescence in here, didn't we?" the lily-scented fop mused "It was impossible to get you out of this place, even when the sun was shining. Every weekend and holiday, here we'd be..." his nostalgic smile faded, replaced by a look of bitter resentment "Until you met Alfred and decided you had a sexuality."

Arthur slammed his book closed.

"Oh, take off the rose tinted glasses, you great useless twonk." he spat "What I remember is you constantly bitching and moaning at me about every little thing, you and your friends constantly harassing me and starting fights to see me snap. You want to pretend we were the best of friends before Alfred showed up? Cry me a river."

Francis' expression was hard to read, but he examined Arthurs face seriously.

"How are things with your new boyfriend?" he asked.

"Like you care."

"Of course I care."

"Why? You gonna swoop in and steal him after he's lost a few pounds?"

"What makes you think I'd do that?" Francis huffed.

"Well, let's just say you have precedent."

They glared at each other a moment, hearing the proprietress shuffle around in the back room through the silence.

"Alfred's grating on my nerves lately." Francis admitted "I'm thinking of breaking up with him."

"Fabulous. Piss off and do that then."

"You don't care?"

"I don't give a shit what you do."

"You don't want Alfred back?"

"Why would I want your rejects?"

Francis smirked just a little, laughing through his nose.

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much." he taunted "The truth is written all over your face. You think your new chunky lover would be hurt to know you still hold a candle for your ex?"

Arthur had had enough. He scrambled to his feet and picked up his stack of books, heading to the counter. Francis was almost immediately on his heels.

"You forgot your bag, idiot!"

"You forgot I hate you, dumbass!"

"Oh, there you are." Mrs Readman greeted as she reappeared from the back room "Sorry that took so long. Oh, are you going already?"

"Sadly, my dear, I have far too many demands on my time to play here as I'd wish." Francis flirted before hooking his arm around Arthurs "In fact, Arthur and I are going on a date!"

The old lady started to laugh as Arthur screamed himself hoarse at the idiot.

"You two may have grown, but you haven't really changed." she supposed, still chuckling "Have fun on your date!"

The idiot laughed in his usual way, following Arthur out of the shop. Arthur shook him off and began storming away down the street, but it appeared the fop was in the mood to be a bastard and promptly skipped after him.

"How long have you and the big fella been dating?" he enquired "Is he a good kisser? He looks like the unfashionable type, so I bet he's a hugger. How big's his dick?"

"Stop talking to me like you're my friend."

"Oh, we're so much more than friends, sweetie."

"I will punch you in the face!"

Arthur spun around to do just that, but stopped short – Francis stood there with his usual smirk, but right behind him, silent as a shadow, stood Ivan. Francis laughed again.

"I just bet he loves snuggling up when it's cold." he continued to taunt, oblivious to the presence behind him "Has he invited you back to Russia yet? In that kind of cold I bet you could snuggle up real good. A skinny runt like you could probably share his coat!"

Arthur tried not to laugh as the look on Ivans face – confused and pondering, but also somewhat amused. As he stood head and shoulders over Francis, Arthur couldn't help but compare him to a rowdy student getting caught red-handed by a teacher.

"So, how big is his dick?" Francis asked again "There's gotta be some reason you're so into the chubsters, if you know what I mean."

"That's a little personal." Ivan mentioned.

Francis jumped clear out of his skin, flailing back and away from the giant, whole body going scarlet as he started to stutter. Ivan just smiled at him before turning to Arthur.

"You have all your books?" he asked.

"Yeah." Arthur confirmed, hardly able to contain his laughter.

Ivan put on his 'playing up' smile, taking the heavy bag from Arthur in one hand and slipping the other around the smaller mans shoulders.

"I have something special planned for dinner, darling." he teased, slying eyeing Francis "I thought after that, maybe a good book and some snuggling?"

Playing up further, he pulled Arthur close to him and kissed him on top of the head, making absolutely sure Francis was still watching. His face was an absolute picture as Ivan led Arthur away, arm still around his shoulder.

"Arthur," Ivan asked quietly when they were out of earshot "What is 'snuggling'? We haven't covered that in EFL yet."

Arthur couldn't contain himself any more – he burst out laughing, taking Ivans hand to steady himself as they sauntered off down the street.

 

* * *

 

 

Podsy had wandered off again. Ivan was searching all the places he had found the little terror before, having texted his friends to keep their eyes peeled for him. Luckily, he was a difficult cat to miss, and his friendly nature meant he loved places that people frequented. Walking along the highstreet, the large man checked under the tables outside the cafés and beneath the benches, apologising profusely to the ladies who gave him horrid stares. Podsy wasn't much of a climber, so Ivan didn't need to look above table height.

He was elated to finally discover him sitting on a chair outside a café, but was less happy to see who he was sat with – Alfred sat alone, but for the cat and a pile of food bigger than even Podsy. His eyes were red rimmed and puffy as he shovelled a burger into his mouth, ignoring Podsy batting and stealing morsels from his giant plate. Well... fuck. Ivan couldn't get Podsy back without talking to Alfred, and he really didn't want to. However, cheeseburgers were not on the approved list of cat foods. Ivan sighed and stepped forward, Podsy mewing loudly when he spotted him.

"Alfred." he greeted shortly "Good afternoon."

Alfred jolted like he hadn't noticed him, looking up at him with a hurt puppy expression.

"Oh," he realised sadly "Hey Ivan. What are you doing here?"

"Collecting my cat." he pointed out, gesturing to the feline "Junk food isn't good for him, so..."

Alfred chuckled a little.

"No, I guess it isn't." he pondered.

Not wanting to get into whatever he was upset about, Ivan picked up Podsy and went to leave.

"Francis broke up with me." Alfred announced.

Too late. Ivan groaned internally. He couldn't not answer without being a complete bastard.

"Sorry to hear that." he sympathised.

"He said I was too dull." he went on "That there was nothing else to me but a pretty face." he half sobbed, half huffed "I only look like this because of him."

He shoved what seemed to be the whole burger into his mouth, and Ivan couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. Although, if you're going to go out with a blatantly shallow person...

"To hell with him." Alfred sobbed "If I'm gonna be miserable either way, I might as well eat what I want!"

He did just that, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth in a way that was just a little repulsive before taking a long swig of his milkshake. Ivan wondered when it would be okay for him to leave... He startled as Alfred slammed his now empty cup onto the table.

"Let me tell you something!" he announced seriously "People act like being skinny is so great! Like all my problems would just go away if I lost the weight. I'm telling you, Ivan, it's all a lie! Everything was the same, I just wore smaller clothes! It's a con!"

He sniffed as he picked up another burger, and its patheticness pulled at Ivans heart strings a little.

"Do you... have a friend... you can talk to?" he ventured.

"Kiku, I guess... although he was Arthurs friend first." Alfred sighed heartily "I should never have broken up with him."

Please stop eating, Ivan begged silently as the American continued to shovel food into his mouth. Having seen this spectacle, he didn't think he was going to eat dinner tonight. He flinched a little as Alfred suddenly looked at him.

"Arthurs new fella," he asked "Is it serious?"

"Yes." Ivan said immediately.

"Oh..." he was instantly sad again "I guess it's to be expected. He's moved on..."

"I have to go now." Ivan announced, figuring he had spent enough time consoling what was, at best, his acquaintance "You know... assignments..."

"Oh, yeah, sure." Alfred smiled a little at him before seemingly striking on an idea "Hey, we're friends, right?"

"Not really."

"Could you, like, test the waters for me?" he asked hopefully "See if there's any chance for me and Arthur?"

"There isn't." Ivan answered immediately "He's very happy in his current relationship and has no intention of getting back together with you."

Alfreds hopeful expression disappeared, replaced by the hurt puppy look.

"That's a little harsh, Ivan." he whined "How would you even know..."

He trailed off, eyes off to the side as he thought coming to a sudden realisation, he looked back at Ivan accusingly, jumping to his feet and slamming his hands on the table.

"You are dating him!" he cried "You lied to me! I thought you were my friend!"

"We were never friends." Ivan said bluntly, since the American didn't seem overly familiar with subtlety "And it'll be a cold day in hell when I let you hurt Arthur again."

Ivan didn't wait for a response, but turned on his heels and walked away, leaving Alfred to his depressingly giant mountain of food.

 

* * *

 

 

"This is why you need to stop telling lies!"

"I know."

"Do you have any idea what a loud-mouth Alfred is? The whole town is going to think we're a couple by dinner time!"

"Sorry, Arthur."

Arthur sighed in aggravation, rubbing his temples. Ivan sat at his desk chair like a naughty child, having relayed the tale of his earlier exploits. Podsy purred away ignorantly, scratching his back by laying on the bed and wiggling.

"Don't apologise to me." Arthur sighed again "I don't care if people think we're a couple."

"You don't?" Ivan asked, somewhat surprised by the confession.

"Of course not."

Seeing his perplexed expression, Arthur couldn't help but laugh.

"You're a catch." he teased the big man "Tall, handsome, kind, and not an idiot either. If you were gay, I'd be all over you."

Arthur chuckled to himself, perching on the edge of Ivans bed.

"But you're straight." he went on "So I figured it would be bad for you if people thought we were a couple. Might harm your chances of getting a girlfriend, you know?"

Ivan was taken aback. Despite his lies to Alfred, he had never considered Arthur in a romantic way. Although he had plenty of good things to say about him... another man just blatantly coming out and calling him 'handsome' was a little strange. And yet... he kind of found he didn't mind... because it was Arthur?

"You know Kiku is going to tease you mercilessly." Arthur pointed out, kicking Ivan gently.

Ivan just smiled, growing uneasy as he thought that, actually, he quite liked being complimented...

 

* * *

 

 

"Valentines day is just a con." Arthur insisted "I don't care what history says."

"You don't like getting spoilt?" Ivan laughed "I find that hard to believe."

The two sauntered down the high street, spring just starting to nip at the heels of a long winter. Every shop front had turned shades of red and pink for the upcoming holiday in various levels of garish.

"If you're really in love, you don't express it just one day a year." Arthur pointed out "If you feel like you actually have to celebrate valentines day, that's a surefire sign your relationship's on the rocks."

"You're such a miser." Ivan laughed.

"I'm not a miser." he refuted "I'm a romantic! More than the idiots that fall for this Valentine's crap."

"I'll tell Kiku not to bother buying you chocolate then." Ivan teased.

"This and that are different things."

The winter had been a long one, and Ivan marvelled at the bright yellow daffodils bursting into life on every verge, park, garden and patch of dirt in town. Although it wasn't yet warm enough to shed the scarf and winter coat, the big man couldn't resist collecting a small bouquet as they walked between the campuses.

"You really like flowers, don't you?" Arthur asked.

"Is it true you can track spring by the blooming of daffodils?"

"John O'Groats to Lands End." he confirmed "Usually takes about 2 weeks."

"Ha ha weird. Want to stop for a cup of tea?"

"Sure."

While they had themselves a usual teashop at this point, a new café had opened up on the other side of the park and was receiving some very good reviews - although it had yet to be subjected to the Arthur Kirkland Tea Test. It seemed like a pleasant little place on the outside, so they headed in. Arthur immediately turned on his heels and walked straight back out. It took Ivan a moment to realise why - stood at the counter in a shirt and apron was Francis, who pulled a face upon seeing the pair. Ivan was soon on Arthurs heels.

 

* * *

 

 

"That was hurtful, you know."

"Don't care. And furthermore, get out."

How exactly Francis had gotten into halls when he lived across town, Arthur wasn't sure, but it appeared to be for the express purpose of annoying him. They stood in the sparse floor kitchen, Arthur making noodles while Francis stood against the counter, arms crossed moodily over his chest.

"How would you feel if I turned around and left after seeing you someplace?"

"Let's find out." Arthur sassed "Try it right now."

Francis scowled.

"Nice to see you and your chunky lover are still together." he spat, tone making it clear he wasn't happy about it at all "Do you top, or are you constantly going down a&e with broken bones?"

"Keeping it classy, I see."

Noodles cooked, Arthur threw his pan in the sink and headed to his room, intent on slamming his bedroom door in Francis' face if he tried to follow him, which he did. He pondered a moment how much force he could slam it with without breaking the fops nose, but Francis had other ideas: he grabbed the smaller man with such force that he dropped his bowl, spilling noodles everywhere, and slammed him back against the wall, pinning him by the shoulders.

"Oi!" Arthur declared "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Break up with him."

"What?"

"Break up with him!" Francis demanded again "Dump that dead weight!"

"Why the bloody hell would I do that, you wanker?!"

Arthur went to push him away, but Francis was prepared, grabbing his hands and pinning them high above his head.

"Do I have to weigh 20 stone before you'll look at me?" he growled.

Before Arthur could answer, Francis stuck his tongue down his throat, and Arthurs entire body went rigid. The larger man leant against him, pinning him with his whole form, and Arthur was too shocked to react as Francis' tongue explored his mouth. Luckily for Arthur, they were in a public place, and were soon interrupted - as luck would have it, by the very giant Arthur most wanted to see at this moment. Ivan hauled Francis away easily, practically throwing him to the other side of the hallway. As Francis struggled back his feet, Ivan noticed he had stepped in the spilled noodles and grimaced. Arthur, snapped back to his senses by his friends arrival, straightened up his clothes and wiped the saliva from his lips. Ivan made sure he was okay before turning to Francis.

"You're going to be a problem, aren't you?" he realised "Kindly don't assault my boyfriend again, or you and I may have issues with one another."

"Don't make me laugh!" Francis yelled at him "You may have fooled Alfred with that, but you're clearly straight! You care about Arthur, how about you stop leading him on like a giant fat tease and let him be with someone who actually wants him?!"

"Yeah, I think not." was Ivans simple reply.

Arthur was accosted again, this time by Ivan, who put one arm around the small of his back and one hand on the back of his head, pulling him right up against himself and into a kiss. It was...gentle. The giant kept his mouth closed, and while Arthur was being held, it wasn't so tight that he was being kept in place. His heart skipped a beat. Ivan released Arthur and turned to the furious Francis.

"Arthur is mine: you can't have him. And clean up these noodles before you leave."

Without another word, Ivan pulled Arthur into his room and locked the door behind him. The Brit was still in shock - he could feel himself shaking slightly, a painful lump rising in his throat as tears started to well in his eyes. He covered his mouth to stop himself sobbing.

"Arthur?" Ivan was immediately concerned "What's wrong? Did he go too far? Do I need to break his legs?"

"You're the one who went too far." he whimpered in response, embarrassed by his upset state.

Arthur turned away from him, towards the window to hide his face, but Ivan grabbed his shoulders and spun him back around. Rather than apologise, he kissed him again on the forehead, and again on the cheek, and again on the ear, and when Arthur finally moved his hands to argue, Ivan kissed him on the mouth, wrapping his arms around him again. Ivan sat down on the bed, pulling Arthur into his lap without leaving his lips. It was a shock, but a very, very pleasant one - his kisses were gentle but determined, and his solid form around him felt fantastic. While Arthur didn't want it to stop, he had to stop Ivan doing something he'd regret and ruin their friendship. Putting his hands on his ample shoulders, he gave a gentle push, and Ivan released him cautiously.

"You're straight." he pointed out quietly.

"I'm whatever I want to be." was his reply, not wasting a moment to pull him back into the kiss.

* * *

 

 

Those were, without a doubt, the biggest, fluffiest kittens Arthur had ever seen. Iggy licked her babies heads proudly, ignoring the incredulous look her owner gave them. They were all chocolate brown, and clearly hadn't inherited their looks from their short-haired Scottish Fold mother. In fact, Arthur knew of only one cat who they did resemble.

"You're taking responsibility for this." he told Ivan.

"This one has her mothers ears!" Ivan squealed "So cuuuute!"

Arthur couldn't help but laugh. He kicked the squatting Ivan, forcing him into a sitting position before sitting himself to play with the little balls of fluff.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, reviews always welcome!


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